JOKES!!!!

[dukhnter8]

This is a good one about outsourcing

I was depressed last night, so, I called Lifeline.   
I got a call center in Pakistan.         
I told them I was suicidal;   
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck…

[copperjohn]

Sven the game warden was checking fisherman at the landing as they pulled their sleds off the ice.  Everyone had empty buckets as the fishing was awefully slow.  Ollie pulled his sled up and Sven saw it was overflowing with all sorts of fish.  Before giving Ollie any tickets, Sven had to know how this Norwegian could get so many fish when all others failed to catch anything.  So he demanded that Ollie take him back out on the ice and show him his technique.  They walk out to the middle of the lake and Ollie sets out two buckets, sits on one and offers the other to the officer.  Seeing no auger or even fishing poles, Sven sits down totally perplexed.  Before he could ask any questions Ollie pulls a stick of dinamite from his coat, lights the fuse and tosses it 30 yds onto the ice.  Kaboom.  After the smoke and ice shards clear from the air, Sven sees that a twenty foot hole has opened up and in it at least 50 shocked fish floated belly up.  The flabbergasted fish cop was trying to spit out his words when Ollie pulled another stick of dinamite out from his coat, lit the fuse, handed it to Sven and asked "so are you gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"

[deadsmelthead]

Ethics Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



 You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of an epic disaster.It's the mega hurricane that the weather channel always talks about hitting New York City. The situation is very ugly and gets worse by the second. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. . Somehow the woman looks familiar, Your thinking way to ugly to have been a past one night stand but stikeingly familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under . . . forever.

You have two options--you save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.


So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:











Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? 
 
 

[hunters08]

Ethics Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



 You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of an epic disaster.It's the mega hurricane that the weather channel always talks about hitting New York City. The situation is very ugly and gets worse by the second. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. . Somehow the woman looks familiar, Your thinking way to ugly to have been a past one night stand but stikeingly familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under . . . forever.

You have two options--you save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.


So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:











Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? 
 
 

    i love it!!!

[radzicto]

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White
stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the
lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the  worst.
Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survive.

"Hello, hello," she called "Can anyone hear me? Hello"  For quite a while there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.
The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."
Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out,
"Oh, thank God. Dopey is still alive."

[Dull Hooks]

Two Navy Chiefs are getting drunk at the Club when suddenly one of 'em throws up all over himself.

"Aw, geez, now my wife will kill me!"

The other chief says,

"Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars to have it dry cleaned."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually they stumble out and go home and this chief's wife started to chew him out.

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, the chief says,

"Now way a mint, I can splain everthin. Ish snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thish d**n Marine ga ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,

"But this is forty bucks.'

Oh, yeah I almos' fergot, he crapped in my pants, too.

[SPARKYICE]

if a fisherman, alone on the ice,
should utter a statement no woman could hear,
is he still wrong?

[Turkeyhunter10ga]

if a fisherman, alone on the ice,
should utter a statement no woman could hear,
is he still wrong?

Thats really more of a moral dilema, if you've been married for any length of time you would already know. That as men we have already lost the arguement before it even got started!

[sheephead higgy]

2 birds are sitting on a perch, one say's to the other, I smell fish

[panfishman13]

a dachshund was walking thru the jungle one day and he realizes that there was a leopard following him, trying not to panic he looked around for a way to escape, he sees some bones on the ground and starts chewing on them. as the leopard gets close enough to pounce the dachsund says real loud "mmmmm, that sure was a great leopard! i wonder where i can find another one?" hearing this the leopard runs off into the bushes. a monkey saw all this and decides to use it as a bargaining chip to get the leopard to not eat him, so he goes after the leopard and tells him everything and makes the deal, as the dachsund is walking back home he realizes that the leopard and monkey are following him again so he sits down and says "I wonder where that monkey is? he promised to bring me another leopard!"

[RickTheRock]

Long read but worth it.



These notes are from an experienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Enjoy…

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting crap-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn off taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off, no one has a mirror. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — I crap myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

[qbyfisher]

There was this guy who was getting chased by the cops on the interstate. So when he pulled over and the trooper asked so whats your excuse?,

   he replied: My wife left me for a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back...

[JCaughtem]

[SPARKYICE]

whatpole,
does "sinkergurl" know you posted this?

[Lobes]

Michigan Cow

 

The only cow in a small town in Tennesse stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Kalamazoo,
Michigan, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful.
The cow produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased
and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows so
they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move
away .

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move aw ay from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise,
what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her
from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away
to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in
Michigan?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in
Michigan?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Michigan."

[Lobes]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice.
He decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of
Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?'
 The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
 'Everything but my earrings.'

                                   
NBG

[BIGFISH]

 
 




Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males , 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.     


 
 

[BIGFISH]

 




The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home! 


 
 

[vermonner]

One little pig was sitting in his house made of straw when the big bad wolf showed up, huffed, puffed and blew the house down

pig ran to his brothers house made of sticks when the big bad wolf showed up, huffed, puffed and blew the house down

the two pigs ran to their brothers house made of bricks and when the big bad wolf showed up, the third brother made a phone call.  His end of the conversation sounded like this: "yup, big bad wolf, huffing and puffing.  5 minutes?  see you then"  the 2 other little pigs said "who was that?" when a big black Lincoln town car showed up and 3 rat like things got out with automatics and perforated the big bad wolf leaving him a crumpled heap on the front lawn.  The 2 little pigs asked their brother "who were they?" and their brother said  (get ready)

"Those are the Guinea pigs, and nobody F#*ks with the Guinea pigs"

[Lobes]

 A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
 The trooper asked, 'Got any ID?'
 The driver replied, 'Bout whut?


                           
NBG

[SPARKYICE]

whats black and blue, and sits slumped in the corner?
the next guy that tells an italian joke.

[winchester 88]

2 Sputzies(English Sparrows) are sitting on the telephone line.

The boy sparrow says to the girl sparrow "Arer you married?'

She says "Yep, are you?"

He says " Yep. Would you like to cheat a little?"

She says "Nope, but I'll hold still while you do."

[jimmyclaude]

This thread should be longer!

[GRIZZZ]

Copy and paste - http://www.funnyjunk.com/youtube/1560/Deer+Prank/

[IceBalls]

Blonde buys a brand new car and, while driving it home, runs into a bad hail storm.  Hail the size of golf balls peppers her car and leaves dozens of dented "dimples" all over the car.  The Blonde is really mad, and drives the car directly to an auto body shop.
The guys in the auto body shop see the blonde driving in, and decide to have some fun with her.  When she shows them the dented car and asks what can be done to fix it, the mechanic tells her to take the cr home and blow very hard into the exhaust pipe, and the dents will pop out!
The blonde is in front of her house, blowing furiously into the exhaust pipe, when her Blonde friend shows up and asks her what she's doing?  The first Blonde explains what the auto body guy told her to do.  The second Blonde looks over the situation and tells her friend...... DUHH!!!...YOU HAVE TO ROLL UP THE WINDOWS FIRST!!

[rgfixit]

 GOD TALKING WITH NOAH!
Noah did you take the Ark out today?
Yes God, I did.
Noah how did you do fishing?
I could only fish a short time.
Why was that Noah?
Because I only had TWO worms!
RG

[rgfixit]

Dave, this ones for you

First law of Philosophy;

For every philosopher there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

Second law of philosophy;

They're both wrong!

One more...

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"



RG

[rgfixit]

OK one more...

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."



What did the hot dog vendor say when the Buddhist asked for his change?

"Change come from within."

RG

[Brooks]

An ice fisherman stops to help a pretty girl who is stuck in a ditch.She thanks him for stopping to help her out-he says " I wouldn't leave a pregnant woman here in the ditch."  She says" but i'm not pregnant" and he says "you ain't out of the ditch yet either"

[JCaughtem]

GOD TALKING WITH NOAH!
Noah did you take the Ark out today?
Yes God, I did.
Noah how did you do fishing?
I could only fish a short time.
Why was that Noah?
Because I only had TWO worms!
RG