JOKES!!!!

[WHITETAIL111]

Its 3am and the husband and wife are sleeping when the wife hears a loud knock at the door.  The wife wakes up and tells the husband to go downstairs and see whos at the door.  A little reluctant the husband goes downstairs and cracks the door open.  Outside standing on the couples porch is a drunk who asks the man. 
"Scuse....me schir...I neda pucsh."  Obviously cocked out of his mind...the man tells the drunk to go away or he'll call the cops.  He goes back upstairs climbs back in bed when his wife rolls over and says "So..who was at the door?"  He says... "some drunk who apparently has his car stuck and wants some help." The wife asks him.... "So what did you tell him?"  The man replies..."I told him to go away or I'd call the cops!"
She says to the husband..."You should be ashamed of yourself leaving him out there like that!"  Feeling guilty he puts on his pants and boots and opens the front door looking around he doesn't see the man anymore.  He walks out into the yard a short ways and yells out.."Hey mister...you still out here?"  Out of the darkness he hears.."Ya....I'm ofer here!!"   "Where?" asks the man.  "I'm offfer heeeeeere!" says the drunk.  The man wanders in the direction of the drunks voice.  "Where?" asks the man again.  The drunk replies..."I'm offfer heeeeere on the swingset...Inneeda pushch!"   

[WANNAKETCHUM]

There was a married couple that lived in a small rural town and they faithfully attended church every Sunday morning. They decided they would like to do something nice and have the entire congregation of about 30 people or so over for dinner one Sunday afternoon after church. They really wanted to have a nice dinner so they decided on steaks for everyone with mushrooms and onions. They went to every butcher shop in their county and bought enough T-bone steaks for the dinner and they had plenty of onions in the garden, but they had pretty much exhausted their cash on the steaks and had no money left for mushrooms. The wife said "What shall we do?"....the husband said... "There are plenty of mushrooms growing in the old pasture down behind the barn". The wife said..."But they may be poisonous"....The husband said..."That's not a problem...just cook some up and feed em' to Ol' Spot (the family dog) and keep an eye on him and if he doesn't have a problem..they're OK to use". So the wife did that and Spot seemed fine so the next day after church they put on the dinner. Everything went well and they received a lot of praise on just how good the dinner was. While they were cleaning up...a lady that had been helping out came up to the wife and whispered in her ear...."Ol' Spot just died"...well, the wife freaked out and called 911 and also called the family Physician and told him exactly what she had done and what happened to Ol' Spot and he said he would meet the Paramedics there and that they would pump everyone's stomachs and give them all enemas, just keep everyone as calm as possible.  When it was all said and done and the Doctor had pumped the stomach of the last person and gave them their enema...the same lady that told her Ol' Spot died came back to her and whispered in her ear again, "Ya know what...the person that hit Ol' Spot never even stopped!!!!!"

[darkhousefisher]

Olie and Sven were at the local tavern one day when they decided they wanted to give ice fishing a try.  They stopped by the sporting store and bought all the right tools and headed toward the nearest frozen lake. They started to cut a hole in the ice, when from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''   Sven looks at Olie and aska "do ya supose that's God talking to us?" So they moved further down the ice, cracked open another beer and started to cut  another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, Olie and Sven moved to the far end of the ice. They started cutting another hole the voice ANGRILY said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' A very scared Olie raised his head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.''

[Kodiakman]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking"

[Kodiakman]

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING:The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large chunks of time.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

[Scientist]

A man walked into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black
eyes, and a 5 iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor
asked him, 'What happened to you?'
 
'Well, I was enjoying a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look
for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had
something white in its rear end. I walked over,
lifted its tail, and sure  enough - there was a golf ball with my wife's
monogram on it, stuck right in  the cow's butt.'
 
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my
wife, 'Hey - this looks  like yours!

I don't remember much after that...'

[Kodiakman]

Guts vs. Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

[Lobes]

A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good
in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched the heads.'

[musky-man]

2 men walked into a bar... the third one went around it

[Lobes]

A baby seal walked into a club ...

[holehawg]

Guts vs. Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls- is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

oohhh man...i'm dyin' over here...

[IrishIce99]

 

[IrishIce99]

what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

"Damn!"

[WARRIOR_ON_ICE]

A guy was fishing in a lake that was notorious for people poaching and taking over the limit of pike. A game warden hid in the woods with binoculars watching the guy reel in lots of pike and not release any. The guy decided he had enough and the game warden watched him put 18 pike in the trunk of his Grand Marquis.

 As the fisherman tried to drive out of the parking area, the game warden stepped in front of the Grand marquis and commanded the guy to stop and open the trunk. The game warden counted out the 18 pike and told the guy to go wait in his car. The game warden returned to the driver to hand him a ticket. The fisherman asked what the ticket was for, and the game warden replied, " the ticket is for having elevated levels of fish in a Mercury ".

[Jenk]

The alarm went off at 5am, and the guy snuck downstairs.  He put on all his ice fishing gear, loaded up the truck with bait and tackle, and when he opened the garage door to leave, he noticed the worst blizzard he's ever seen.  The snow was falling so fast, the wind was blowing out of control, so he decided to not even attempt it.  He turned the truck off, unloaded the truck, took off all his gear, slipped back into his pajamas and climbed back into bed.  Putting his arm around his still sleeping wife, he said, "man, this is the worst winter storm I've seen in awhile."  To which she replied, "yeah, and my idiot husband is out there fishing in it!!"     DOH!!!!!!



Tight lines!!

[Master Angler]

A game warden happens across a very elderly man camping at a lake, and happens to see him cleaning up a Loon to cook for supper.  The warden goes over and asks the man if he knows its illegal to shoot loons.  The man replies, "I've been shooting and eating loons for years, and have never been questioned about it".  The officer decides since this man is very elderly and believes him that hes done it for years figures to cut him a break, after all there can't be many people shooting loons to eat anyway, so he starts to walk off.  Just as he's leaving curiosity gets to him, so he turns around and asks the man, "So what exactly does a loon taste like anyways?", the man replies "ahhh.....tastes somewhere between bald eagle and whooping crane".   

[Lobes]

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic,

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" asks the Officer.

The Blonde replies, "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

[Nitro_372]

 

[IrishIce99]

Here's a corney one: Which part of the fish weighs the most?

The scales.

[Lobes]

Two men were driving down the road when they suddenly hit head on. Both cars were totally demolished but the two men got out without a scratch. One man said "Its a miracle neither of us was hurt, this must be a sign from God" just then a bottle of wine rolled out from the other mans car. The other man said "look, that bottle of wine doesn't have a scratch on it either, It must be a sign that we should have a drink and toast this blessing" the first man took a good long drink from the bottle and handed it back to the other man who quickly put the cork back in the bottle. The first man said "aren't you going to have a drink"? the second man replied "Nope, I think I'll just wait for the police".

[bigfoot697]

a married couple was having problems and went for counseling. the husband said what he had to say then the wife. the counselor stopped and went over and gave the wife a huge hug. he said to the husband this is what she needs 3 times a week. his reply? ican drop her off on mon. and weds but fridays i fish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lobes]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you
gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!!

[deadsmelthead]

The postal service just recently unvieled the Hillary Clinton stamp and shortly after had to recall them. Apparently letter carriers were finding the Hillary stamps in piles at the bottom of pick boxes thus and assumed the adhesive back of the stamp was faulty. So as they investigated the whole problem they found out that it was 100% postal customer error, it turns out that postal stamp buyers were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[IceholeFisherman]

The postal service just recently unvieled the Hillary Clinton stamp and shortly after had to recall them. Apparently letter carriers were finding the Hillary stamps in piles at the bottom of pick boxes thus and assumed the adhesive back of the stamp was faulty. So as they investigated the whole problem they found out that it was 100% postal customer error, it turns out that postal stamp buyers were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Beautiful!!!

[Icefisherman01]

The postal service just recently unvieled the Hillary Clinton stamp and shortly after had to recall them. Apparently letter carriers were finding the Hillary stamps in piles at the bottom of pick boxes thus and assumed the adhesive back of the stamp was faulty. So as they investigated the whole problem they found out that it was 100% postal customer error, it turns out that postal stamp buyers were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Good one

[IrishIce99]

Good one

Haha that is great!

[Lobes]

The postal service just recently unvieled the Hillary Clinton stamp and shortly after had to recall them. Apparently letter carriers were finding the Hillary stamps in piles at the bottom of pick boxes thus and assumed the adhesive back of the stamp was faulty. So as they investigated the whole problem they found out that it was 100% postal customer error, it turns out that postal stamp buyers were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

deadsmelthead for president!!!
 

[qbyfisher]

The postal service just recently unvieled the Hillary Clinton stamp and shortly after had to recall them. Apparently letter carriers were finding the Hillary stamps in piles at the bottom of pick boxes thus and assumed the adhesive back of the stamp was faulty. So as they investigated the whole problem they found out that it was 100% postal customer error, it turns out that postal stamp buyers were spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

AMEN

[reubenpa]

UNBELIEVABLY INCREDIBLE and TRUTHFUL

I LOVE IT

[purduebass]

 , Now that is too good!!!