JOKES!!!!

[rgfixit]

Fly-fisherman's wife:
"Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"


Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my wire?
Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do trades.

RG

[vermonner]

whats black and blue, and sits slumped in the corner?
the next guy that tells an italian joke.

OK fair's fair.  I'm Irish American so here's one of my faves about us:
2 brothers rent a boat out of Galway bay to do a little fishing.  2 miles offshore brother #1 looks under the seat in front of him and notices a brass lamp, which he promptly pulls up and gives the obligatory rub.  Out pops a genie who says "for freeing me from the prison of my lamp, I will grant you one wish.  Without a second's hesitation, brother #2 says "sure now, I wish the sea were made out of Guiness" and ALAKAZAM!, they're afloat on a sea of Guinness.  Brother #1 says "good going you feckin eejit."  Brother #2 says "sure I thought you loved Guinness"  Brother #1 says "it's true, but now we have to pi$$ in the boat"

[copperjohn]

Back at ya RG

“I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it”
"You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time."
Stephen Wright
 
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

How do you get a philosopher off your porch?  Pay for the pizza.
Why don't blind people skydive?  It's too hard on the dogs.

And did you hear the one about the dyslexic who walked into the bra?

[Hamilcarbarca]

 

[rgfixit]

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
"Define 'light bulb'..."
"How can you be sure it needs changing?"

How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of Cosmic Nothingness.


How many Analytic Philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

 None - it's a pseudo-problem ... light bulbs give off light (hence the name) ... if the bulb was broken and wasn't giving off light, it wouldn't be a 'light bulb' now would it?


RG

[deadsmelthead]

 A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into
 Downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south.
 Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
 
 The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What
 Happened, what's the hold up?'
 
 'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie
 O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
 They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise,
 
 They are going to douse them with gasoline and set
 Them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking
 up
 A collection.'
 
 The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone
 Giving?'











 
 "About a gallon"

[purduebass]

> A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He
> > put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when
> > he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
> >
> > The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,
> > and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.
> >
> > The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up
> > one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
> > Kentucky This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license,
> > boy?"
> >
> > The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting
> > license.
> >
> > The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second
> > duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This
> > duck's from Mississippi You got a Mississippi license?"
> >
> > The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting
> > license.
> >
> > The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its
> > butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from
> > South Carolina You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
> >
> > Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South
> > Carolina hunting license.
> >
> > The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at
> > the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"
> >
> > The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"You
> > tell me. You're the expert.
> >
> >

[purduebass]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.'

No,' says the Great Jesse Jackson, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not,' explains the exalted Reverend Al. 'That's what we would call a great loss. '
The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

Fantastic! exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny, 'because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'

 

[MrMarty51]

HUKT ON FOUNIKS RILLIE HELPT ME. 

[rgfixit]

Sorry Walltrout, we need to stay within the "PG" rating here. Many young viewers!
RG

[tubby67]

    Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes


     A:fsh

[rgfixit]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who spilled his coffee while driving to work? He had bad kar-mug.

"A philosopher," said the theologian, "is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"That's right," the philosopher replied, "and if he were a theologian, he'd find it."

How many fatalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, why fight it?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Rg

[vermonner]

The Army decided it had too many officers and offered a retirement incentive that went like this:
Choose two points on your body, we'll measure between them and for every inch of length, you will receive $1000.00.  First, a Lieutenant volunteered and  said "measure from the top of my head to my feet"  The medical officer measured an even 6 feet, so the officer received an even $72,000.  Next, a Captain stepped up and said "measure from the tip of my outstretched hand to my toes".  The medical officer did and the Captain walked away with an even $96,000.  Next a grizzled old 35 year veteran Sargent Major stepped up and said "measure from the tip of my willy to my family jewels".  The assembly encouraged him to rethink his proposition in light of what the other 2 before him did and he just replied "measure it".  So the Medical officer said "drop 'em".  He did, and when the medical officer began measuring, he looked around and said "HOLY CRAP!!!  WHERE ARE YOUR TE$TICLES?"  The old grizzled Sargent Major replied "Vietnam"

[Walltrout]

Washington, DC ... 7 Years after  the last  Clinton Left Town       

[perchhogslayer]

Washington, DC ... 7 Years after  the last  Clinton Left Town       

Thats awesome! took me a bit to try and figure out what the heck was wrong with all those kids.

[topher7694]

Here's one that my 5 yr old told me last week.........



What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor???



















"Where's my tractor?"

[gillkiller1125]

Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and Barack Obama were all riding in an airplane when hillary said i could trow 1000 one dollar bills out the window and make 1000 people happy john said well i could throw 100 10 dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy, barak said i could throw 10 100 dollar bills out the window and make 10 people even more happy................t he pilot said i could throw all you guys out of the plane and make all of america EXTREMELY happy

[Lobes]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

                                             
NBG

[robotman]

There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie."

So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing.

"Where is the president's clock?" He asked.

St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."

[rgfixit]

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he goes

Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"

RG

[perchhogslayer]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or S ex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[perchhogslayer]

You might be a fisherman if..........
1) You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone

[perchhogslayer]

18 Reasons Fishing is better then... you know, the thing that actually beats fishing but hey they are still funny.

18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..
17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago

13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

[jimmyclaude]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.

[rgfixit]

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his.
So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him.

An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.

"God replied "I did. Who do you think hes going to tell?"

Irish, God joke...I'm an equal opportunity offender.
RG

[bucketbass]

1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

thats good and sure is number 1

[tracker 1]

> Date: Monday, March 24, 2008, 11:18 AM
> Tax  Rebate
>
> President George Bush said each one of us would
>
> get a  $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be
>
> $800.00, but they  dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate
>
> because of various budget  problems.
>
> Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart,
>
> all the money  will go to China, if we spend it on
>
> computers, most of the money will go  to Korea or India.
>
> If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the  Arabs
>
> .....and none of these scenarios will help the  American
>
> economy.
>
> We need to keep that money here in America  .....so the
>
> only way to keep that money here at home is to drink  beer,
>
> gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems
> that
>
> these are the only businesses still left in the U.S.
>
> I'm  Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message and I'm gov Paterson and I agree with Elliot, I am Larry Craig and I agree with Gov Paterson, I am Barney Frank i agree with Larry, I am Jim McGreevey and I agree with Barney..... Is this really the best America has to offer ?

[lotwfisher]

4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.

Wow That is actually true...

[Lobes]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides
in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start in again; you're in my closet now."

                                     
NBG

[Curt]

Subject: Three Wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of
the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.




..

..

..

...

..

..

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..


Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!