Jokes!

[vermonner]

Haven't seen this thread yet this year (maybe I just haven't looked in the right place).  I'll start.

What's the differnce between an onion and a lawyer?
Noone cries when you stick a knife in a lawyer

[VanderLaan]

Q:  What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

A:  Doughnuts.

[Cedar2RTO]

How do you make a tissue dance?


You put a lil boogey in it...

[duramaxdan]

Two birds sit on a perch.
One bird says to the other "you smell fish?"

[adkRoy]

Why is adkRoy like a mushroom?

A: they are both funguys!  (get it mushroom=fungi)  yeah my students groan at that one too.

[bigfoot697]

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? give the wife a snowshovel!!!!!!!! now thats funny right there!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rebelss]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

[duramaxdan]

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? give the wife a snowshovel!!!!!!!! now thats funny right there!!!!!!!!!!!

how do you fix the dishwasher when it breaks?
Kick her!

[fishermantim]

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Tell her Frosty has a diamond necklace for her!
(OK, now that might be a little over the top)

Wife comes home all excited and tells her husband "I just hit the lottery scratch ticket for a million dollars! Go pack you suitcase!"
The husband says "That's great honey, but where should I pack for? The mountains or the beach?"
THe wife says "I don't care, just pack and get the heck out of here!"

[Hagigun]

Probably an oldie and most have heard it but it;s outdoors appropriate:

What's cheaper, Beer Nuts or Deer Nuts?


-Deer Nuts, cause they're under a Buck!

[adkRoy]

an old classic:

Two blondes were ice fishing and not having much luck. Pretty soon a guy went by on a snow mobile and he had a whole bucket of fish on the back. One blonde says to the other one “That’s why were not catching anything ,we’re not trolling!”

[VanderLaan]

A tough looking biker was riding along when he sees a girl about
to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, but he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be
famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"   

[Fishrmn]

http://www.iceshanty.com/ice_fishing/index.php?topic=60674.0

Don't know why this one was locked, but it's a couple of years old.  You can scroll through it still.

Fishrmn

[EddieRod]

   Q.  What did the Sushi say to the Bee ??

   A.   Waaaasssaaa bee!!          Wasabi... Get it? Took me a minute till the 11 yr. old straighted me up.

[rgfixit]

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls.........







Walk him and pitch to the Rhino

RG

[Gman64]

Not a joke but I thought it was kind of funny. Just told my wife that they had some pretty funny jokes on this new thread she replys " is that on that we all love to make out with our augers.com website that you and your buddys are always on" hmm think I will type that in see what comes up..... I thought it was funny anyway.

[SPADED]

gman-- i make out with my jig box not my auger

[GCD]

Baby seal walks into a bar

Bartender asks "What'll you have?"

Baby seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Robot bartender
A guy goes into a bar and there is a robot bartender. The robot says,
"What will you have?" The guy says "Martini." The robot brings back
the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk
about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him
another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So... you people still happy
you voted for Obama?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting together quietly and minding their own business.

[HARDTOP]

the blond was walking along the river and she heard a lady on the other side yelling how do i get to the other side...how do i get to the other side so she thinks for a minute and yells back your on the other side.

[muffin man]

Picture a senior citizen bus trip to a casino....


Three older women on a bus trip alleged they were groped. Each time they would go to the front of the bus to notify the driver of the groping. When the bus driver pulled over,turned the interior lights on and, he walked to the back of the bus to find an older man crawling around under the seats. The driver asked him what he was doing. The man on the floor replied" I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times but it keeps getting away from me ............

[GCD]

.....In a train carriage were an Englishman, a Frenchman,?
a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a ***** wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face". The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The Frenchman thought - "That dirtyEnglishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack the snot out of that Frenchman again".

 

[jammer icecube]

What did the three legged dog say when he walked into the western bar.
im looking for the man who shot my paw.

[Bullelk34]

A guy went back to the doctor's office to get his test results.......

Doctor-    I've got good news and bad news....
Patient-    Give me the bad news first Doc.
Doctor-    Well, you're terminally ill and probably only have a few weeks left.
Patient-    Oh my gosh. Well what's the good news?
Doctor-    Did you see my receptionist? The gorgeous blonde with the big boobs? I'm banging her!!

[woodroce]

.


The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a b***h!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a b***h fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a b***h!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a b***h I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a b***h. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a b***h!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a b***h I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a b***h fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a b***h?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a b***h for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a b***h", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a b***h for the new Bishop's Dinner"

Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a b***h fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a b***h can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning the Son of a b***h."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a b***h!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a b***h!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a b***h, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, "Well I sure as hell liked eating the son of a b***h, and well heck, You a$$holes are my kind of people!"

[Gillgrabber]

A little boy asks his Father:  "Dad...why are women's wedding dresses white?"
The Father replies:  "Son...all kitchen appliances come in white."

[Coach]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
     
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, she went back into the house.
     
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
     
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
     
To which she replies, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[SPADED]

seen this one on a movie.. kinda disturbing but it made me laugh..

a child molester and a young child walk into the woods
they walk in so far into the woods and for so long it starts getting dark
the young child looks up at the man and says im getting scared MR
and the molester replies,think your scared? i have to walk all the way out of here alone!!!!

[woodroce]

.


A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."


.

[Carcharodon Carcharias]

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? give the wife a snowshovel!!!!!!!! now thats funny right there!!!!!!!!!!!

Git R Done

[HARDTOP]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when this attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
     
A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, she went back into the house.
     
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
     
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
     
To which she replies, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

NOw thats funny