Author Topic: JOKES!!!! (Read 63306 times)

poot_818 · « **on:** Nov 30, 2007, 12:12 PM »

lets hear some good jokes huh?

three boys were sittin on the playground during recess bragging about how one anothers dad was better than the others....the first boy goes oh yeah my dads better than all of yours...he can lift 250 pounds 20 times in a row.....the 2nd boy goes that aint nothin my dad can shoot 2 deer and carry them on his shoulders back to the truck all by himself....the 3rd boy is just sittin there laughin so hard hes about to cry so he says that aint nothin....my dad goes to work from 8 to 4:00 and hes home by 3:30!!!!!!!!

Chuckles · « **Reply #1 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 05:36 PM »

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

Chuckles · « **Reply #2 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 05:53 PM »

A Fairy-Tale:

One day… long, long, long ago… there lived a woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, nor gripe about any thing...

But this was long, long, long ago...

...and it was for just ONE day.

The End

WARRIOR_ON_ICE · « **Reply #3 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 07:00 PM »

There was a 95 year old woman with a 98 year old husband. The old woman had back pain for about a week, and since this was unusual for her, she told her husband that she wanted to go see her doctor. The man said Ok ,but he would wait at home while she went.

The woman was examined by the doctor and then waited in the waiting room for quite a while as the doctor reviewed the results. Finally, the doctor came out with his information to her. He said " Ma'am, I reviewed your examination results over and over and I still can't believe it, but I am sure that you are pregnant ! " The woman was shocked, and replied " Oh my, I better tell my husband right away ". So she called the house and her husband answered the phone and heard " you old geezer, you got me pregnant! ". The old man said " Who is this? "

amortec · « **Reply #4 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 08:44 PM »

Once upon a time a young man asked a lady to marry him, and she said no, and he lived happly ever after, and he went fishing & hunting every day!!

pikeking · « **Reply #5 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 09:28 PM »

These two guys have been ice fishing for 3 days and not catching anything,
This guy shows up catching fish left and right,
One of the guys goes over and tells him that they have been there for days and aren't catching anything,
He asks the new guy what he is using for bait,
All the guy does is mumble,
So the guy asks him again, What are you using for bait?
Nothing but mumble again,
Now the guy is getting upset, and tells him the story about being there for days and not catching anything, and asks again what are you using?
The new guy spits something out of his mouth and says,
YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM!!!
(((((FLAG)))))

tracker 1 · « **Reply #6 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 09:34 PM »

Texas Deputy vs. A New York Lawyer
>>
>>
>> Only in Texas my friends.... Only in Texas .....
>> Too bad......
>>
>>
>> A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
>> sheriff's deputy.
>> He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy
>> because he is a lawyer
>> from New York and is certain that he has a better
>> education then any
>> cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this
>> to himself and have
>> some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
>>
>> The deputy says," License and registration,
>> please."
>>
>> "What for?" says the lawyer.
>>
>> The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete
>> stop at the stop
>> sign."
>>
>> Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one
>> was coming."
>>
>> "You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the
>> deputy. License and
>> registration, please."
>>
>> The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
>>
>> "The difference is you have to come to complete
>> stop, that's the law.
>> License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
>>
>>
>> Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal
>> difference between slow
>> down and stop, I'll give you my license and
>> registration; and you give
>> me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give
>> me the ticket."
>>
>> "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle,
>> sir," the deputy says.
>>
>>
>> At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick
>> and starts beating
>> the ever-loving sh -- out of the lawyer and says,
>> "Do you want me to
>> stop, or just slow down?"
>>

gasman707 · « **Reply #7 on:** Nov 30, 2007, 10:52 PM »

Grandpa was sitting on the porch one evening watching his three grandsons collecting nightcrawlers for selling to the fishermen the next day .

After about 45 minutes he went over to them and asked how many they had because he paid them 50 cents for every dozen.

The oldest grandson said I collected 3 dozen Grandpa and Grandpa said thats good heres a $1.50 for you.

The middle grandson piped in and said I got 2 & 1/2 dozen Grandpa, and Grandpa thanked him and gave him his $1.25

The youngest grandson said I'm sorry I only got a dozen grandpa They're too slippery for me, And Grandpa patted his head and said thats ok you'll do better next time and gave him his .50 cents.

Then Grandpa said boys before you go home and go to bed I have a task for you and it pays 5 dollars to who ever does it best. I want you to now try to put a crawler back in its hole, But you only get one try.

Well all three of them got excited about the 5 dollars grabbed a crawler and ran over to a hole.

The oldest tried pushing it back in with his finger and just squished it.

The middle one picked up a stick and tried that only to mangle it.

The youngest said "I'll be right back" and ran in to the house and came back out with a can of hair spray, then sprayed the crawler and neatly slidd it down the hole.

"See, I told you you would do better next time" said grandpa and gave him a five dollar bill.

The next evening the boys where back over collecting crawlers again, when grandpa walked over again and approached the youngest a gave him another 5 dollars and said "Here's for putting the crawler down the hole".

The other two boys immediatly piped up and said " Grandpa you paid him the 5 dollars last night ."

"That's rite boys I did" said Grandpa,"But this 5 dollars is from Grandma!"

John_Boy · « **Reply #8 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 07:28 AM »

Reminder This is a " G" rated website Please keep the jokes clean .
John

WARRIOR_ON_ICE · « **Reply #9 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 07:48 AM »

Q: What do you say to a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Good morning, your honor.

Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a 3-pice suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What trait does a Puerto Rican share with a cue ball?
A: The harder you hit him the more English you get.

99% of the lawyers give the other 1% a bad name.

Two lawyers were walking down a city sidewalk when they noticed a very attractive woman walking in front of them. One lawyer turned to the other and said, " Boy I would love to screw her ! ". The other lawyer said, " out of what ? "

In the news it was reported that a Cadillac that was travelling at a high rate of speed on the Interstate flipped over the guardrail and killied the 4 lawyers in the car. It was a real tragedy because a Cadillac seats 5.

Bugman1964 · « **Reply #10 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 08:05 AM »

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other one is a fish.

How easy is it to catch a polar bear?

1) Cut a large hole in the ice.
2) Open a can of peas.
3) Sprinkle the peas around the hole.
4) When the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!!!

pikeking · « **Reply #11 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 08:49 AM »

I guess you guys know a lawyer or two!

WARRIOR_ON_ICE · « **Reply #12 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 10:39 AM »

Quote from: pikeking on Dec 01, 2007, 08:49 AM

I guess you guys know a lawyer or two!

Or 4.

WARRIOR_ON_ICE · « **Reply #13 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 10:41 AM »

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket full of spit?

A: The bucket

Lobes · « **Reply #14 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 11:08 AM »

WOMEN'S REVENGE
> >'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
> >purchase.
> >As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
> >set
> >in her purse.
> >'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
> >'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
> >And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

deadsmelthead · « **Reply #15 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 11:49 AM »

Hey guys I am a Puerto Rican lawyer with blonde hair !!!

Bugman1964 · « **Reply #16 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 12:03 PM »

Hey dare me. I am french so I can tell this one.

Did you hear about the three frenchmen that drowned when their truck went through the ice?

They couldn't get the tailgate opened.

daffydone · « **Reply #17 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 01:16 PM »

did you hear what happend to the polish icefishing team?............ they all drowned during spring training!

vermonner · « **Reply #18 on:** Dec 01, 2007, 01:25 PM »

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning in an ankle deep Stream?

Take your foot off his neck

ejensen · « **Reply #19 on:** Dec 02, 2007, 08:24 AM »

Southern Humor!

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Arkansaw moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin... wif two more frogs.

Ed

Stump Puller · « **Reply #20 on:** Dec 02, 2007, 08:49 AM »

Thats good ejensen, sound like you spent some time down in dat bayou place der. lol

Lobes · « **Reply #21 on:** Dec 03, 2007, 05:35 PM »

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women."

"I want all the women to report to St.Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

NBG

Doubles Shooter · « **Reply #22 on:** Dec 03, 2007, 05:48 PM »

The scene is the darkest jungle in Asia. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth

Lobes · « **Reply #23 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 04:44 PM »

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
> >While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
> >Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
> >'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
> >dislikes.'
> >He addressed
> >the man,
> >'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
> >Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
> >Pillsbury, isn't it?

Icepuppy · « **Reply #24 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 05:11 PM »

A man is walking home one day when he spies what appears to be a brass lamp. He picks it up and it looks just like the lamps that have genies in them. He figures what the hell and rubs the lamp. To his amazement a genie pops out and says "Alright, you know the drill, you get three wishes but, keep in mind, whatever you ask for you wife gets double!" The man agrees and says that for his first wish he wants a new car, the genie says "no problem, but keep in mind your wife gets double". The man nods yes, and then for his second wish he asks for a new house, "alright" says the genie "but keep in mind your wife gets double". Again the man nods, "for my last wish" the man says, "I want to be beaten half to death!"

wile.e.1 · « **Reply #25 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 05:30 PM »

An elderly couple were heading home from a visit into Canada, when they passed a place that had skunks for sale. Being a huge animal lover the wife pleaded to her husband...Oh cant I get one?. The husband relented. Just before the border the wife realized that it might not be legal to import a skunk and asked "what am I gonna do ?" Her husband replied...Just hide it under your dress. "what about the smell???" she asked. Ahh if it dies , I'll buy you another one

IceBalls · « **Reply #26 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 05:47 PM »

The busty BLONDE decides she is going to learn to ice fish to impress her boyfriend. She buys all the necessary gear, goes out and drills a hole in the ice and sits down on her bucket and begins jigging. All of a sudden she hears a booming voice from above -- " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE".
A bit startled, but determined, she moves over about 100 fet and frills another hole, and begins to fish. A few minutes later, the voice from above booms out --- "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE"
Getting a little annoyed, she moves again, drills a new hole and begins fishing. Sure enough, the voice announces -- "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE"
The blonde looks up and asks --- Are You GOD??
No says the voice -- I'm the manager of the Ice Rink !!!

WARRIOR_ON_ICE · « **Reply #27 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 06:59 PM »

Did you hear about the Polish guy who went ice fishing? He came home with 200 pounds of ice. His wife cooked it and they both drowned.

Next, some sarcastic sayings that are not jokes but should make some of you laugh.

.......... The beatings will continue around here until the morale improves.

.......... Just because your necessary doesn't mean you're important.

MEETINGS - None of us is as dumb as all of us.

MISTAKES - It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others

TEAMWORK - A few harmless snowflakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.

DEMOTIVATION - Sometimes the best soultion to morale problems is just to fire all the unhappy people.

CHANGE - When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.

SACRIFICE - Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing to give it your all, you just may bring success to those who outlast you.

STRIFE - As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.

PRESSURE - It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.

INTIMIDATION - No one can make you feel inferior withput your consent, but you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.

RISKS - If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's greatest disappointments.

STUPIDITY - Quitters never win, and winners never quit. Those who never win and never quit are just idiots.

DEFEAT - For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.

INEPTITUDE - If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

MEDIOCRITY - It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

PROCRASTINATION - Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

Fishin is the Mission · « **Reply #28 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 09:45 PM »

A coupe of "good ol' boys" from Alabama heard all about ice fishing and decided that when winter arrived they would give it a try. Just after New Years Day they loaded up their pick up and traveled to Wisconsin. Upon arriving they hit the local bait shop to get their supplies. The bait shop outfitted them with tip-ups, jigs, bait, heaters, shanty, etc. When it came to getting a hole in the ice the shop owner said he was all out of augers and that all he had was an ice pick. The "boys" said that would work, loaded up their gear, and headed to the lake. About 30 minutes later they returned and bought another ice pick. Another thirty minutes passed and they were back to buy every ice pick the store had. The owner asked what they were going to do with them all to which they replied that they finally got their boat in the water and now wanted to troll.

Whitefish Slayer · « **Reply #29 on:** Dec 04, 2007, 10:01 PM »

A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full
of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the Newf. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The Newf looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The Newf poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the Newfie.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the Newfie.

I LOVE THAT 1

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Author Topic: JOKES!!!! (Read 63306 times)