JOKES!!!!

[Lobes]

Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas... although still silent it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[IrishIce99]

Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas... although still silent it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[rich81]

 

[4cator]

 

[rgfixit]

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

RG

[Kirk]

Three woman sit quietly on a bench.....

[vermonner]

Three woman sit quietly on a bench.....

now that's funny...

[Haywood]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you
sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris
Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

[wallin]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas... although still silent it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Excellent keep them coming boys-lmao
Tom

[wallin]

Hey is someone watching me??
LOL

[JCaughtem]

DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
 

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.






Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."


Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

[4cator]

 

[stumper]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, the phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my ice shack so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was that moment, crouching behind my bucket full of ice rods that I noticed that the graphite blank on my custom rod appeared to have a hairline crack right by the handle.

Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the bait shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Jim

[thechief]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, the phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was that moment, crouching behind my bucket full of ice rods that I noticed that the graphite blank on my custom rod appeared to have a hairline crack right by the handle.

Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the bait shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Jim

This is great!!!!!

[love_em_n_leave_em]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There are no fish under the ice!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, manager of this ice rink!"

[Danny Boy]

>
> God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks
> long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard
> work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving.
> I always try to do right by my fans."
> God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers
> him a seat to his left.
>
> Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony
> says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
> fundamentals of life.
> I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing
> field."
> God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and offers him a
> seat to his right.
>
> Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"
> Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
>

[tracker 1]

         Broke Back Deer Camp
> >
> > The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk
> two to a room. No one
> > wanted to room with Earl because he snored so
> badly. They decided it
> > wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the
> whole time, so they
> > voted to take turns. The first night, Jeff slept
> in Earl's room and
> > came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a
> mess and his eyes
> > all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to
> you?" He said, "Earl
> > snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
> all night."
> >
> > The next night it was Fritz's turn. In the
> morning, same thing -- hair
> > all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,
> "Man, what happened
> > to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Earl
> shakes the roof. All
> > I could do was sit up and watch him all night."
> >
> > The third night was Howard's turn. Howard was a
> big, burly,
> > ex-firefighter; a man's man. The next morning he
> came to breakfast
> > bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
> "Good morning," he
> > said.
> >
> > They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
> happened? How did you
> > get a good night's sleep?" He said, "Well, we got
> ready for bed. I
> > went over and tucked Earl into bed and kissed him
> good night.
> >
> > He sat up and watched ME all night."
>

[thechief]

>
> God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks
> long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard
> work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving.
> I always try to do right by my fans."
> God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers
> him a seat to his left.
>
> Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony
> says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
> fundamentals of life.
> I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing
> field."
> God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and offers him a
> seat to his right.
>
> Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"
> Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
>

Very good

[jayswimmer09]

haha great jokes guys keep them coming!!

[JCaughtem]

This is great!!!!!

[Scientist]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both
men fell sound asleep. 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What does that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful Lord we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' '

'You dumber than buffalo $#!t...... It means someone stole the tent...'

[Deadseafisherman]

President Clinton and daughter Chelsea were visiting troops in Iraq. Chelsea asked the soldiers what they feared the most? She figured the answer would be car bombs, RGP's, but a lady Marine answered "Osama, Obama and Yo Mama"

[TheSnowman]

A woman walks into a bar carrying a duck and has a seat at the bar.

The man sitting next to her turns towards her and says "Why did you bring that ugly pig in the bar?"

She replies "It's not a pig silly, it's a duck!"

The man says "I KNOW!!! I WAS TALKING TO THE DUCK!!!"

[Fishin is the Mission]

A termite walks into a bar and says: "Hey, is the bartender here?"





Give it a minute, it'll sink in.

[stumper]

A termite walks into a bar and says: "Hey, is the bartender here?"





Give it a minute, it'll sink in.

LOL, took about 45 seconds

[panfishman13]

what's worse than finding one worm left in your bait box?
no worms in your bait box.

what's the best thing in the world?
discovering that the apple your wife gave you on your way out the door is full of 'em.

[purduebass]

         Broke Back Deer Camp
> >
> > The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk
> two to a room. No one
> > wanted to room with Earl because he snored so
> badly. They decided it
> > wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the
> whole time, so they
> > voted to take turns. The first night, Jeff slept
> in Earl's room and
> > came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a
> mess and his eyes
> > all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to
> you?" He said, "Earl
> > snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
> all night."
> >
> > The next night it was Fritz's turn. In the
> morning, same thing -- hair
> > all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said,
> "Man, what happened
> > to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Earl
> shakes the roof. All
> > I could do was sit up and watch him all night."
> >
> > The third night was Howard's turn. Howard was a
> big, burly,
> > ex-firefighter; a man's man. The next morning he
> came to breakfast
> > bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
> "Good morning," he
> > said.
> >
> > They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
> happened? How did you
> > get a good night's sleep?" He said, "Well, we got
> ready for bed. I
> > went over and tucked Earl into bed and kissed him
> good night.
> >
> > He sat up and watched ME all night."
>

HAHA!!!! Great one!!!!

[bigfoot697]

bush and the queen were riding in a horse drawn carraige when the lead horse let out a tremendous fart. the queen looked right at george  and said theres somethings even a queen cant control. bushes reply. o really your majesty , i thought it was 1 of the horses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Whatpole]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 

[Whatpole]

I love this one.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'