Author Topic: Irish Jokes (Read 4360 times)

rgfixit · « **on:** Mar 15, 2008, 06:24 PM »

Tis close to the wearin of the green...
Irish Lent

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.
The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.
Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America , and the other to Australia .
We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer,
and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to
the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart.
This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences
to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers
are alive and well.

It's just that me, meself, has decided to give up drinking for Lent."

RG

troutguy1377 · « **Reply #1 on:** Mar 15, 2008, 07:03 PM »

What is black and blue and slumped over in the corner???

The next guy that tells an IRISH joke!!!!!

pirkaus · « **Reply #2 on:** Mar 15, 2008, 08:02 PM »

Irish I had a joke to tell

IceBalls · « **Reply #3 on:** Mar 15, 2008, 08:06 PM »

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A. One less drunk!!

vivlamored · « **Reply #4 on:** Mar 15, 2008, 08:21 PM »

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

vermonner · « **Reply #5 on:** Mar 15, 2008, 11:48 PM »

What's the definition of Irish Alzheimer's?

You forget everything but the grudge

Tomhusker · « **Reply #6 on:** Mar 15, 2008, 11:51 PM »

Patrick McGillicuddy is putting on a good drunk at the local pub. He stands on the bar to address the patrons, he clears his throat.
"Ahem, if I may be interuptin' yer festivities for a moment?"
The pub becomes quiet as the crowd looks his way.
"In my life," McGillicuddy begins "I have built the dock down by the seashore, am I tellin' the truth?"
"AYE!" came the reply from the patrons.
"But do you call me 'McGillicuddy the Dock Builder'? NOOOO!"
He continues, "And didn't I build you the lovely St. Catherines Church with me own hands?"
"Aye, that ye did." came confirmation from Father O'Shannihan.
"So. Do you call me 'McGillicuddy the Church Builder'? NOOOO!"
"And after I saved the young O'Flattery lad from drownin' did you call me 'McGillicuddy the Life Saver'? NOOOO!"
He is now interupted by Kieran O'Sullivan, the Bartender, "What exactly are ye getting at ye old drunkard!?"
Well, If a fella can build a dock and you don't call him the dock builder, and he builds a church and you don't call him the church builder and he saves a life and you don't call him the life saver, why is that the same fella has sex with ONE SHEEP.......

lotwfisher · « **Reply #7 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 10:02 AM »

Big pappa, That was funny!!!

Lobes · « **Reply #8 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 10:28 AM »

My brother in law got a new deer rifle.
I told him I was green with envy.
He said that color looks good on you ...

NBG

McFish · « **Reply #9 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 01:28 PM »

hey rgfixit did you forget that their is an off topic shanty. I have seen threads that have more to do with fishing than this one get moved their.

Lobes · « **Reply #10 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 02:59 PM »

Quote from: McFish on Mar 16, 2008, 01:28 PM

hey rgfixit did you forget that their is an off topic shanty. I have seen threads that have more to do with fishing than this one get moved their.

Okay how's this?

Two Irish icefishermen are just sitting there icefishing on a beautiful sunny day. A total stranger comes walking up the hill and asks "what you boy's doing there?". The one with his back to the breeze looks up and says, "icefishing".

NBG

McFish · « **Reply #11 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 03:53 PM »

Lobes its not the jokes that I care about its the fact that a moderator starts a thread that's sole purpose is to joke about someones race. If i did the same thing it would be deleted or at least moved to the proper location. I think some of them are very funny I just don't think its rite.

Tomhusker · « **Reply #12 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 04:06 PM »

Irish is not a race, it's a nationality.

crappieloo · « **Reply #13 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 05:01 PM »

My father used to tell me a lot of Irish jokes when I was I young kid. Some of them were a little to bad to post here. Here is one I remember right now.

Pat and Mike took the old wooden row boat out one day to go fishing. They anchored way out far away from where they put in at the dock. They were crushing the fish. Catfish.bluegills,crappies perch a few walleyes and a couple of carp.They had a real hard time rowing that boat full of fish back to the dock. After loading all the fish and the row boat on the truck Pat says to Mike'' Boy we really caught a load I wish we could come back next week and find that same exact spot.'' Mike said '' Oh yeah we will fish the same spot because I took my knife and carved a spot on the boat right where they all came from.''

rgfixit · « **Reply #14 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 05:09 PM »

Most of the year I'm 1/3 Irish. Around St Pat's day I'm all Irish. There's nothing wrong with a little humor. Plenty of joke topics have been left where they start, provided they don't become too off color.

RG

mud_n_fun · « **Reply #15 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 05:33 PM »

Q: What is the difference between an Irishmen and a drunk tank?
A: I don't know.

shawner · « **Reply #16 on:** Mar 16, 2008, 09:33 PM »

'Tis a well known fact lads, the good Lord invented whiskey ta prevent da Irish from ruling da world!

Lobes · « **Reply #17 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 07:40 AM »

Quote from: rgfixit on Mar 16, 2008, 05:09 PM

Most of the year I'm 1/3 Irish. Around St Pat's day I'm all Irish. There's nothing wrong with a little humor. Plenty of joke topics have been left where they start, provided they don't become too off color.

RG

I understand completely ... I'll try to keep it green!

NBG

Lobes · « **Reply #18 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 07:44 AM »

Quote from: McFish on Mar 16, 2008, 03:53 PM

Lobes its not the jokes that I care about its the fact that a moderator starts a thread that's sole purpose is to joke about someones race. If i did the same thing it would be deleted or at least moved to the proper location. I think some of them are very funny I just don't think its rite.

Yeah I hear ya!
That was just one of those opportunities for me to lay down one of those jokes that only a mother could love. Even with that I'm sure my mother still wouldn't think it was even remotely funny!

NBG

jigginoff · « **Reply #19 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 07:59 AM »

What's an irish seven course meal?
A six pack and a potato!

McFish · « **Reply #20 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 09:26 AM »

ok here you go. Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and knelt.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

jimmyclaude · « **Reply #21 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 09:44 AM »

UP THE 32!!!!

eyedoktr · « **Reply #22 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 09:58 AM »

Anything or anyone Irish is a joke.

jimmyclaude · « **Reply #23 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 09:59 AM »

Quote from: eyedoktr on Mar 17, 2008, 09:58 AM

Anything or anyone Irish is a joke.

You must be Irish?

Ice Dog 67 · « **Reply #24 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 10:15 AM »

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, I graduated in '62. This is unbelievable!, the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender. Nothing much, replies the bartender. "The O'Shea twins are drunk again

jimmyclaude · « **Reply #25 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 10:19 AM »

Slainte Mhath & Up The 32

WARRIOR_ON_ICE · « **Reply #26 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 07:25 PM »

The wife of a drunkard Irishman after 20 years of watching him stagger in the door late at night after being at the pub every night had finally had it, and waited at the door when he came home drunk late one night. The wife grabbed his arm and marched him out to thier backyard which was a bluff overlooking the town below.

The wife yelled to him, " Look! See those lights down there, that's the brewery, and they can brew it faster than you can drink it! " The man's reply to this was " Yeah, but I got 'em workin' nights ! "

duke31 · « **Reply #27 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 07:47 PM »

nothing wrong with a little IRISH humor, to lift ones spirits. Meself not being Irish, but me darlin wife is., and she enjoyed these posts about the irish jokes, as i read them to her.

no harm, no foul done.

vivlamored · « **Reply #28 on:** Mar 17, 2008, 08:08 PM »

i'm taking my toys and i'm going home

vermonner · « **Reply #29 on:** Mar 18, 2008, 05:35 AM »

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?

5

1 to hold the bulb and 4, 1 standing in each corner to drink enough to make the room spin

News:

Author Topic: Irish Jokes (Read 4360 times)